Page 17 - The Lady of the Rings

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the index went down. He also worried about losing
business and never seemed to really enjoy himself
even when he landed a good contract. He was always
concerned with performance. But, then again, so am I.
What would happen if the business went down? What
would happen if I suddenly found I couldn’t maintain
the pressure of the job and the business? These things
constantly play on my mind and to offset the possibility
of losing control of my life, I go shopping and acquire all
sorts of things that give me temporary pleasure through
ownership. Come to think about it, everything sucks.
I am always getting hit on in the restaurant by suave
empty suits, even when they are with their ladies. I
am treated with disdain in business as a single woman
with an attitude of self-reliance and I am hardly given
the deserved respect by the men in business that envy
my success and independence, always being told to get
married and to enjoy the attendant absurdities of that
life. My children still call me when they have money
troubles but seem to not be there when I want or need
something from them. And Richard is becoming a
little momma’s boy on top of everything else. Even he
expressed anxiety at my success and when he wasn’t
working, he was a real bitch. I am tired and have to
admit that I am very angry. I have become annoyed
with myself as I realize that indeed, and though it
shouldn’t, everything sucks. I don’t like that mentality
and attitude. It isn’t really me. There has to be a better
way to live and not have to be the paradigm of virtue
that everyone expects me to be.